Have you ever sat down on a couch in the Schoolhouse, only to realize you are now a third wheel? Have you ever been looking for a place to eat in the Dining Hall, but a couple is taking up an entire table for themselves? Yes, you have. These private couples who touch each other with their words and feel each other’s emotions might make you feel like you don’t belong. Luckily, Groton has become aware of the increase in romantic activity. The administration has recently announced that they will be rebranding the Senior Section as the Single Section.

This newly renovated area will contain happy lamps, therapy dogs, Forrest Nelson, Nate Johnson, and yours truly, Leo Quigley. It will also come fully stocked with blindfolds, earplugs, and pepper spray so that you can walk through the mall and past the library couches in peace.

The student body appears to be happy with the renovation. “I can’t wait to have this space. I think it is disgusting how couples have completely taken over this campus,” says Andres Palacios ’24. David Porter ’24 remarks, “How much would rent cost?” If the lonely blues are hitting you extra hard this winter, then it looks like you will soon have a place to call your own.