FRIDAY:

I can imagine it now. It’s Long Weekend. I’ll sit in front of the TV, surrounded by friends, watching a sport I love deeply. I’ll have eaten enough buffalo wings to feed LeRoy’s dorm. However, it will be the worst night of the year. Why? Because, as much as it pains me to say it, the Kansas City Chiefs will win Super Bowl LVIII in Las Vegas on Sunday, February 11.

Taylor Swift has suddenly become a Chiefs fan, and the NFL has gone way too far with it. Every time Travis Kelce touches the ball, or every time I open up Instagram, I see her face. Don’t get me wrong—Fearless is one of the better albums of the 2000s, but I physically cannot take this much Taylor Swift. I am genuinely frightened by the amount of Swift content I will have to consume if Kansas City wins on Sunday, and I fear it may happen.

The Chiefs have been an absolute wagon ever since Patrick Mahomes was named the starting quarterback in 2018. Now, in his sixth year as a starter, Mahomes will be playing in his fourth Super Bowl, attempting to win his third. The Chiefs have an impressive defense, led by defensive tackle Chris Jones and cornerback Trent McDuffie. Linebacker Drue Tranquill was acquired by the Chiefs in the offseason and has been an integral piece in their 2024 playoff run.

This defensive front faces a difficult challenge on Sunday: the San Francisco 49ers’ running game. It’s never a good day to be on defense when the 6-5, 320-pound left tackle Trent Williams is lead-blocking for future Hall of Fame and current league-best running back Christian McCaffery. However, there is one thing the San Francisco offense will not be able to stop—Patrick Mahomes.

As a fan of my physical safety, I am scared of the inevitable wrath of Will Koukopoulos if the 49ers lose. But as a man, I know that no matter the odds, no matter the situation, the Chiefs always find a way to win, and that is precisely why I can’t bear to see it happen.

MONDAY:

What did you expect? The Chiefs are inevitable. Their cornerback duo L’Jarius Sneed and Trent McDuffie shut down Brandon Aiyuk and Deebo Samuel. Chris Jones had his way with the San Francisco big men, and the Chiefs’ offensive line (in classic fashion) got away with multiple holding penalties, giving Mahomes plenty of time in the pocket.

Andy Reid played games with the 49ers’ defense. He broke out a Super Bowl–special quarterback sweep that had Fred Warner lost. He pulled his guards left and toss-swept right. Kyle Shanahan, on the San Francisco sideline, was out to lunch.

During the Chiefs’ final drive of regulation, to send the game to overtime, the 49ers played a soft zone, dropping five safeties 20 yards back to protect the deep ball. This allowed the Chiefs to run their favorite offense, five-to-10-yard hitches to their tight ends.

San Francisco took an aggressive approach to the Super Bowl, and it didn’t pay off. We now live in a new dynasty—Patrick Mahomes’ (and Taylor Swift’s) Kansas City Chiefs.