Have you ever had something stolen from you? Perhaps food from the fridge or your laptop, maybe even your mode of transportation? If the plethora of all school emails we receive on a daily basis is any indication, our beloved circle has a major scooter theft problem. Despite scooter and skateboard owners only making up a fraction of the population, we cannot overlook the issue of rampant theft across campus. 

Filled with despair and indignation, many students can only recount their painful anecdotes with a wry smile:

“I put my scooter down and went into my dorm for less than a minute, when I came back out it was gone; how can someone take it in that short of a time frame?” -Larry Li ’23.

“I once watched a student ride past me on my scooter and make full eye contact with me.” -Jaden Adinkrah ’23

“My skateboard was gone for a few days, it only had three wheels by the time I found it across campus in front of Brooks House.” -Quinn Clubb ’23

Without some form of justice for these heinous crimes, the cycle of strife will only continue to upend the lives of innocent students. A proper punishment for the offenders would bring peace upon the circle, not only by protecting those who have been wronged, but also by sparing the student body from the dreaded all-school emails. 

As tempting as corporal punishment may be, we live in a civilized school environment where we resolve problems in a civil manner. That being said, public shaming has the potential to be extremely effective in stemming the scourge of thievery, often cultivating positive growth in otherwise hopeless individuals. This can be utilized in conjunction with a more materialistic approach to discourage the few brave souls who disregard their public image. 

Now you may ask, how might this be implemented at Groton?

After many sleepless nights of intensive brainstorming, diagramming, and running simulations, we believe that we have cracked the code to the perfect execution of the above ideas. The process takes place in two steps. First, offenders of the given week have their names listed and announced at roll call by the senior prefects, where they may then be subjected to school wide booing. Now, humiliated and angry, the thief may be tempted to continue their nefarious ways, only for the second blow to arrive. Students at Groton may not be the biggest fans of the demerit system, but in this case it is the perfect hammer blow in the process of reforming these students who have lost their way. 

Students may be concerned at the harshness of such measures, but dear reader, I assure you that it is absolutely necessary in order to nip this problem in the bud. Through the implementation of harsher punishments initially, we may be able to eradicate this plague of thievery before it is able to affect more of our cherished community. 

Another worry that may creep into the minds of those concerned would be the difficulty of enforcing such a set of laws. But they needn’t worry as we’ve come up with some fail safe options for addressing their woes, including the possibility of requiring photographic evidence in order for the appropriate penalty to ensue. The oversight of the entire process could be delegated to a new Groton Department of Transportation, formed in order to thoroughly review each and every case obsessively without rest, food, or water.

 The current solution may not be perfect, but it is a vital step in fostering the respect for personal property on campus. As part of this community, it is our duty to educate our troubled peers and preach this important life lesson before we are released to the uncertainties of the world.